Deuteromammon 6:1-25

The Great Prophet Maccy-D lays down the Law



Now this is the commandment—the slogans and the advertisements—that Consumerism, your God charged me to teach you to observe in the land that you are about to cross into and occupy, so that you and your children and your children’s children may fear Consumerism your God all the days of your life, and fall for all his sales schemes, so that your storerooms and rubbish dumps may be full. Hear therefore, O Global Village, and observe them diligently, so that you me be consumed, and so that you may prosper greatly in a land flowing with cars and cash, as Capitalism, the God of your ancestors, has promised you.

Hear, O Global Village: Consumerism is our God, Consumerism alone. You shall love her with all your intellect, and with all your heart, and with all your credit cards. Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your i-Pads. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are in the car, when you lie down and when you rise. Bind her products as a sign around your wrists, fix her logos on your sports caps, print them on your billboards and watch them on the television with the family

Do what is profitable and productive in the sight of Consumerism, so that you may be instantly gratified, and so that you may go in and exploit the good land that Capitalism swore to your ancestors to give you, thrusting out all your competitors from before you, as Capitalism has promised. When Capitalism your God brought about the industrial revolution he swore to your ancestors, to James Watt, to Henry Ford, and to Adam Smith, to give you—a land with fine, large cities that you did not build, houses filled with all sorts of goods that you do not need, gadgets that you can’t use, gardens and vineyards that you never see—and when you have eaten your fill, take care that you do not forget Capitalism, who brought you out of the coal mines, out of the house of slavery. Do not follow the gods, any of the archaic religions who are all around you, because Consumerism your God, who is ever-present, is a jealous God.

What tradition are we handing down?

When your children ask you in time to come, “What is the meaning of the decrees and the statutes and the ordinances that Consumerism our God has commanded you?” then you shall say to your children, “We were slaves of the church and the king, but Modernity brought us out of the dark with rationality. Modern science displayed before our eyes great and awesome technology to control nature and to exploit its wealth.  Capitalism brought us out from there to give us the prosperity that he promised on oath to our ancestors. If we diligently observe this entire commandment before Consumerism our God, as he has commanded us, we will be satisfied.”